I woke up with a start again. 6.30 a.m. Time to get up. Prayed. Went back to sleep. Hardly got enough sleep nowadays. How many hours more I have to spend trying to sleep? How many days more I have to spend like this?
My new colleague told me,

'Every sufferings you endure in this world, you'll get a bonus point up there.' He pointed to heaven's way.

'... Every sufferings you endure patiently.' I replied, almost impatiently.

'Every sufferings you endure patiently, you get extra bonus.' He counter-replied. Heck. Who am I to refute him? He studies Islam teachings and he knows all the Hadiths. I figure out his family is deeply religious.

I am suffering even more as a little voice inside me making me even more curiga. Mia, who's betraying, and who's being betrayed? I shall not throw accusations even in anger, until I have proof but God, give me more strength to be patient. God, I say that as a prayer. When I wake up, when I ride my bike, when I work, when I sleep.

'Even when you say 'Lailahailallah Muhammadarrasulullah, that is also a prayer in the sense that you show submission unto Him.'
Free la plak arinih (or rather malas nak buat keja ). Ni dah kali ketiga post entry. Hehe. Sejak beberapa hari nih agak busy sket uruskan persiapan ke konferens kat Singapore minggu depan and trip ke Riau (yg sepatutnya minggu nih ).

Malam semalam ada dinner ngan wartawan2 kat JB n aku kene tolong Ainie kontek depa sumer pasal dier sibuk giler . Aku plak tak de mood nak buat research yg Marketing Manager suruh. Kemalasan yang melampau2... Research, sapa yg rajin buat?

Tapi al-hamdulillah, berkat kesabaran kitaorang meng kontek n mengfakskan jemputan, kiranya dinner tu successful . Yalah, orang press nih byk asgt. Malam semalam pun tak dapat lama2 sebab diaorang ada work asgt n Pak Lah pun turun JB arinih. Tapi diaorang datang juga. Terharu. Huhu... Tima kaseh kat sumer kerana sudi datang

Citer sket la pasal asgt terbaru aku nih. Dua hari yg lalu, aku, Ainie ngan Chairman telah dipanggil masuk mengadap Bendahara (orang kanan Mr. Trump).

Bendahara : OK. I have assignments for you guys.
Tiga2 (dalam hati) : Tidaaaak!!!
Bendahara (tunjuk kat Chairman) : I'm going to send you to Holland.
Bendahara (tunjuk kat aku ngan Ainie) : You two, make preparations to go to Riau. Jen will be sent to Jakarta.

Kat luar bilik Bendahara, Ainie tak puas hati sebab Chairman dapat gi Holland .

'Why? Why? Why????' Ainie melepaskan geram .
Chairman cuma tersenyum poyo . Aku plak sibuk memikirkan camane aku nak prepare paperwork untuk trip nih .

Jadi aku pun prepare paperwork (bila nak gi, berapa hari, stay kat mana, kenapa nak gi, bla2) while Ainie prepare tentatif (hari pertama - jalan2. Hari kedua - pun jalan2... )

Bila aku submit paperwork kat Bendahara (dan kene reject 3, 4 kali...) akhirnya Bendahara tanya,

'Where's costing? How to approve like this?'

Dalam hati aku, 'Ceeeyy.. orang tua nih! Arituh cakap yg tu tak payah pecah kepala nak pikiaq, depa nak buat. Hampeh.' Jadi, aku kembali ke meja nak buat kira2 bajet nih . Huhu... Aku mana penah organize trip nih. Langkawi pun aku tak sampai lagi. Macamana aku nak wat bajet? Apa nak masuk dlm bajet? Camane nak dapatkan accommodation? Letih aku surf Internet utk cari hotel n hotel rate kat Riau sana. Tapi tak de byk sangat pilihan .

Tambang pun, aku kena carik baper tambang dari Pekanbaru ke Padang, n Padang ke Palembang. Kontek ticketing agent depa, hampeh. Ada ke patut, suruh aku sendiri kontek opis diaorang kat Sumatera tuh . Tak membantu langsung. Last2 aku fax je request for info kat seberang sana.

Last sekali, makan n transport kat sana. Depa naik apa? Bas ke, beca ke, teksi ke, lori? Makanan mahal ke? Aku malas nak pikiaq panjang, aku kontek Magic sebab Magic gi Bali beberapa minggu lepas.

Me : Magic, how's Bali?
Magic: If you don't mind about food, and lodgings, it's nice.
Me : Why?
Magic : Erm...
Me : Never mind. What's the common public transport over there?
Magic : Don't compare Bali with other places in Indonesia. Bali is so commercialized. I had package tour. So.
Me : I see. Hmmm... Food price? Cheaper?
Magic : More or less, equivalent.
Me : I see... OK, that really helps. Thanks Magic!
Magic : My tips, Carneyz. Get a travel agency to help you plan the trip and book tickets and all that. You'll cut down the cost.
Me : We're supposed to go ala Amazing Race.
Magic : Owh. Have fun.

So, aku dah fill in the blank except for tambang domestik kat sana. Kalau dah approve, baru aku nak setelkan reservations, etc. etc . For now, aku nak wat task lain
I shouldn't have drink coffee this morning. Now I feel suffocated. I feel depressed. I can't stand caffeine. Shucks. I have to find choccies. That's the only antidote.

... but I'm on diet. WAHEY!
Al-Fatihah to one of the manager's wife who passed away recently in a robbery-cum-murder case. May the culprits be brought to justice and may she rest in peace and in God's blessing.

My heartfelt condolence to the manager and his children.

Al-Fatihah.
I spent Sunday lepak-ing with my ex-roommate after going out for dinner. My ex-roommate and I go back a long time ago when we first started university and we were two awfully homesick girls discussing about pizza topping to stop feeling miserable. While I had graduated, she skipped one semester and now she's in her final semester.

'I don't know what's going to happen next,' she started, 'I don't know what I want to be.'
'Life's not an option. You don't choose what you want to be, you just grab whatever passes your way.' I blurted out.

I realized that was true.

When I finished final exam., I made plans to stay in JB until convocation and go back to Sarawak to work in one of the most established oil company as HR Executive or in its equivalent position.

That plan didn't materialize. I overdue my stay until today coz the company that I aimed for turned down my application. After my project ended (I was working as Research Assistant in my faculty), my cash ran low and in desperation, I just grabbed the first job opportunity that came my way. And stuck here until now.

I also planned to further my studies at my alma mater, but until now that plan is still pending (I hope it's pending, not cancelled). The faculty has revised the schedule so classes would be conducted during office hour. Attending classes during weekend is possible provided I'm willing to pay double the cost of normal classes. In the end, limited resources are holding me back. I'm not really sure whether I want to pursue HR anymore.

Life's not an option. You don't choose what you want to be. But you can create choice for others to make.
I'm not willing to pay extra for my own studies simply because my younger siblings' studies are more important than mine. One brother has just started college and my elder sister and I have decided to help finance his studies. We really want to support our brother and wish to see him become a successful town planner. As he's not eligible for study loans, we will be there to pay for his books, exams, rent, food and anything he needs.

Another brother will be starting university soon (I hope he'll get a place in university) and until he gets his financial assistance, he would also need our help.

Finally my sister who's in boarding school - I didn't get the chance to spoil her when she was small as I was busy with my own studies. She's always so sweet, and never asks for anything. However I was a young girl once, and I understand perfectly well a young girl's longings for pretty things, books, make ups, etc. Unlike me, I want her to be able to own the things that she longs for. I don't want her to feel the envy and disappointment of not being able to afford what other people can have, like how my sister and I felt a long time ago.

Maybe when they have succeeded to overcome life's obstacles, their sisters can think about their own lives' choices.
Forgive me for the things
That I never said to you
Forgive me for not knowing
The right words to say, to prove

That I will always be
Devoted to you and me
And if you can't feel that in my love
Then I'm sorry for not giving you enough

But I'm not sorry for my love
I'm not sorry for my touch
The way I made your hands
Tremble and my heart rush

I would do it all again
Wouldn't take back a thing, no
'Cause with you I've lived
A thousand lives in one

And I could never be
I could never be
Sorry for love.

Well, maybe there've been times
That I let you down
Looking back on all those moments
I know that I should have found

The best of me for you
And now I will promise to
And if you don't see that in my eyes
Then I'll be
Sorry for the rest of my life

But I'm not sorry for my love
I'm not sorry for my touch
The way I made your hands
Tremble and my heart rush

I would do it all again
Wouldn't take back a thing, no
Cause with you I've lived
A thousand lives in one

But I could never be
I could never be Sorry for love

And we all make mistakes
No matter how hard we try
But hearts can only break
When sorry comes all around

- Blueberry cheesecake. Blueberry Cadbury. Yahoo! Messenger. Van Helsing. Chicken rice. Boat ride. Fountain show. Windstruck. Singapore. Shrek. Ice-skating. McD's. KFC. Bowling. Pahang. MySpace. Starbuck. Friendster. Chocolate cake. Helmet. Tram. Kancil. Iced Milo. LRT. Baju kurung. Kungfu Hustle. PGL. Raincoat. Celcom. 017. pingpong. Jogging. Titiwangsa. Straw. Jeans. Langsat tree. 'Manggis' tree. Kek lapis. Nasi daging merah. KLIA. National Treasure. Mashi-maru.-

... laughter. Restoran Noor. I'm not sorry for all these. The sweetest of memory. The sweetest of time. Thank you.
Perasan tak muram air muka?
Eh...mungkin tidak kerana ku dah kau lupa
Jauh di mata....apatah lagi hati
Riuh tetap sunyi bila kau bersendiri
Oh patutlah lagu dah tak semerdu
Puputan bayu dah tak senyaman dulu
Ku pasti kerana tiada pelengkapnya
Ketiadaanmu dirasa.


Jangan serkap jarang hidup ku bahagia
Memang berat tak ku nafikannya
Walau cintamu rapuh dan keyakinan runtuh
Dengar kubicara.

Oh babe, ku masih menyinta
Oh babe, ku masih setia
Pilu...lara...hiba dijiwa
Kelabu di kalbuku
Oh babe, ku makin tersiksa
Oh babe, ku makin terasa haru
Bisakan disembuh andainya kau disisiku
Oh babe ku masih perlukanmu

Sehari dua mungkin bolehku harung
Masuk ketiga berlewah kutermenung
Selepas seminggu fikiran bercelaru
Meruap-ruap bimbangku

Ke sana-sini terpinga tercari-cari
Petanda kau masih menyayangi
Walau cinta kau pudar, kan kuteruskan jua
Rontaku di jiwa.

-To past memories cherished. I love you.-

Chaotic organized = berkecamuk tersusun. Kata2 nih paling sesuai menggambarkan keadaan mental dan fizikal aku la nih. Bila mental aku berkecamuk, aku akan menjadi orang yang paling suka berkemas dan menyusun persekitaran aku supaya aku letih dan berhenti berfikir.

Sabtu lepas, aku pindah ke bilik baru. 3 orang housemates dah pindah, jadi akhirnya ada bilik kosong untuk aku masuk. Memang lega, sebab selama hampir setahun, aku cuma tido kat ruang tamu.

Hampir setahun lepas grad. Cepatnya masa berlalu.

Aku beli kipas warna ungu n aku bercadang nak beli langsir warna biru supaya matching ngan cadar n comforter aku. Aku tak de katil (maklum la orang bujang) tapi masa aku dok kolej dulu aku beli carpet yang murah giler (under RM50), jadi nampak berseri sket bilik aku.

Hujung minggu dihabiskan ngan mengemas dan mengatur bilik aku. Biasalah aku. Bila fikiran berkecamuk, aku melepaskan geram dengan mengemas. Aku mengetuk, menyapu, mengemop, menyusun, membasuh dan mencuci segala macam benda arituh. Asal bersepah je, aku kemas. Asal kotor je, aku cuci. Asal berdebu, aku lap. Yang penting aku dapat mengalih perhatian daripada fikiran yg berkecamuk tuh.

It's a way to let out the pent-up energy so I wouldn't feel anything but exhaustion.

Bukan setakat bilik aku kemas, aku cuci toilet yg memang dah bersih. Aku berus dinding, lantai, sinki, toilet seat, toilet bowl dan pintu (pintu pun tak tinggal!) sampai semerbak bau dan putih melepak.

Lepas tu aku cuci baju yang sehelai dua dlm baldi. Then aku sapu rumah, mop lantai, cuci pinggan, nak bersihkan dapur tapi housemate dah tolong buat, susun kasut, susun kotak, buang sampah dsb. Last2, aku cuci motor kesayangan aku plak.

Tapi malam tu aku tetap tak boleh tido. Mengenangkannya.
Aaaahhhh... Life feels great. Really greeeatttt.

My house is chaotic, my work never-ending, my company didn't keep their promise of giving us a raise after 6 months slaving away in hope of getting THAT raise (oh, I so hate it when people didn't keep their promises!), and someone is accusing me something.

OK, I've explained all but one. One and two tie with each other. If my company gave me the raise, I'll have enuff money to rent a house by myself. Moi apartement. Tout moi. Tak payah sakit hati bila someone 'forgot' to do house chores. Tak payah nak sound or remind anybody to do house chores. Tak payah makan hati bila balik keja penat2 tengok rumah tak bersapu.

The last part, ouch. That really hurts la. If only that person knew that un-sound accusations without valid proof, is the first blow that cracks any sort of relationship. Enough said.

... I better update my resume and get prepared to leave this place, leave this state and go back home. Hujan emas di negeri orang, lebih baik aku bergelar tuan di negeri sendiri. Hah!
This is to illustrate how a business favor works.

Breakfast session

Boss: 'Have you filled up the registration form for the Corporate Branding Conference in Singapore?'
Me: 'Not yet. The deadline is 11th, next week.'
Boss: 'Have you arranged for anyone to do it for you while we are here in KL?'
Me: '...'
(Boss opened mouth to start another round of lecture and Ainie had a look of horror on her face)
Me: 'I'll get Chairman.'

I lost count of how many 'IOUs' I had given to Chairman. Chairman had done many favors and I had repayed only about 25% of the favor. I was about to issue another IOU to him.

Me: 'Chairman...'
Chairman: 'What's up?'
Me: 'How's Jen?'
Chairman: 'You called just to...?'
Me: 'Just kidding. I need a favor.'
Chairman: 'Hmm...'
Me: 'Urgent.'
Chairman: 'What?'
Me: 'There's a form in my topmost document tray. Please help me to fill it in, then get Mr. Trump to sign it, and then fax it over to KL and Singapore.' (all said in a breath)
Chairman: 'Huh?'
Me: 'McD?'

About half an hour later, Chairman rang me up.

Chairman: 'What am I to fill? Your name? Your boss' name? Who's approving manager? What's KL fax no.? How many days to attend? I think McD is not enuff. Mr. Trump is in a bad mood today.' (I can imagine him sipping his drink and pacing up and down in front of Mr. Trump's door – a sign that he's panicking).
Me: 'Hmm. Mine & his. Mr. Trump. The number's written on the fax machine. 2 days. OK, I'll upgrade to KFC.'

About 4 pm, he rang up again.

Chairman: 'KL said, I need a memo.'
Me: 'So write one.'
Chairman: 'What?? What to write?' (Panicky)
Me: 'Go to my PC, this is my password (*****), open Outgoing Doc folder in My Doc, then just use one of those memos I had done before.'
Chairman: 'You know this is more than what we bargained?'
Me: 'And your point?'
Chairman: 'Hyatt or Pan Pac?'
Me: 'Mother father...'
Chairman: 'Deal. Nice having business with you, Carneyz.'

I made a mental note to include his name in the media lunch at any one of those hotels. Surrounded by reporters. Who would ask him lotsa questions. Ha ha. I have the last word here.

Me: 'Chairman?'
Chairman: 'What?'
Me: 'Deal.'
Last nite there was a farewell dinner to all trainees under my division and welcome dinner to Ainie who's joining the division for the subsequent 3 months.

('Ainie, ur under my department now.' 'NO! I tot Marketing??' 'No.' 'Carneyz, I'll dieeeee!' while hugging me in the hope that she'll sap away my spirit or something)

All the managers did a 'Yee Sang' (izit correct, Jen?) including us and there were wishes uttered during the occasion:

'Bigger paycheque!' 'More success!' 'New office please...' Lastly from Ainie, 'Marry rich guy!' (tulah, dulu macam nak rak kitaorang matchmake ngan Chairman tak nak plak...)

We spent the night at Ainie's place and at 6.45 am Jen woke me up, half-groggily,
'Carneyz. Prayer time... zzzz...' (sabar jelah, tak pe Jen, in the future, u must also learn how to wake up early n pray 'Subuh'! Hah! :p)

2nd day at work felt strange. My current supervisors don't know what to do with me so they settled to give me simple tasks as to check calculations, yada2. Then my former boss asked me to join a meeting so I can hand over my pending tasks to a worried-looking Ainie (Ainie just came over to check with me whether it was Mr. K or Mr. S who told that we can keep the Xmas trees at one of the stores).

Still, I have limited opportunity to blog as my workstation is OPEN TO THE WORLD TO SEE. Oh, greattt...
Finally it's happening. The Great Departmental Shift. When we came in this morning, we were lingering at the main area, looking lost and feeling it. Jen looked awfully miserable as she had to go to GH department, which is separated from the main office where we have been working for the last 6 months.

'Are we moving?'
'Why must I move far, far away from u guys?'
'Are we moving?'

Chairman wandered around, trying to decide which cubicle he likes best. Finally he settled to sit in front of his great buddy, my first enemy here. Then Ainie helped Jen to move her stuff while I made arrangements to go to a meeting somewhere else.

My 10.30 meeting was held in Gelang Patah at one of the well-known port. After the meeting, we were accompanied for a tour around and it was really impressive (it still hasn't beat beloved's office and talking about human sensor, I still felt like chuckling remembering the way beloved suddenly flung his arms to create a sort of a movement so the lights at his office turn on)

So now I'm under a new department at a more open space where everyone can see me blogging (no more secluded area!). To be continued...