I am now an employee of this organization.

Only on paper. I will not pledge my life to this place. I will only do my responsibility accordingly, but not give more than that.

I have learned from my mistake - it is pointless to give my best efforts to work as work begets more work. From now on, I shall focus on giving the best to myself and my loved ones.

Now don't talk to me about loyalty and dedication. This place has robbed me off these values. What a shame. What a shame.


..HaPpY bIrThDaY 2 U..

..U wErE bOrN iN dA zOo..

..WiF d ElEpHaNt..

..& d KaNgArOo..

..aNd A mOnKeY..

..LiKe U..



- To AiNiE -


HEpi BesDAy dEAr...









To Ainie dearest,
From all the bubbly, purply, pinky, funsy, scary, cutesy, giggly me ;)
Luv ya,
Carneyz
Menguap dengan selebar2nya...

Penat. Sudah terlalu penat...! Tapi besok still kena gi keja jugak. Kali nih, mungkin buat ke-100 kali, aku berazam, untuk memulakan laporan training tu. Lepas mengkontek travel agents di Sarawak & Sabah, aku akan start. Yezzir... Jen, jangan kompius. The report is not a must. I just feel like doing it. Last week of being a trainee...

Dah setahun lebih menjadi trainee di kompeni tu. Pahit & manis bercampur-baur. Dulu, aku dicop trainee favourite Trump. Macam nak mampus wat projek2 yg cuma aku sorang je yang diberikan projek tu. Tapi sekarang... bak kata Ainie (aku selalu menghafal ayat2 dieorang nih) , 'What goes around, comes around, what goes up, must come down. This is life....' Tak heran la... Itu semestinya yang akan berlaku.

Kenapa? Teruk sangat ke jadi trainee??

Tak. Secara jujur & objektif nya aku katakan, tak. Lepas masuk GH, dah tau macamane dieorang dilayan (cabut rumput??), aku fikir, at least kalau kiteorang dimintak cabut rumput, next meeting ngan Usop, kompem keempat2 kiteorang akan bising. Kiteorang tak kekal lama dalam satu2 department. Dah bosan, transfer lagi. Begitulah pengalaman menjadi trainee. Umpama budak yang belum mumaiyiz - tak memikul tanggungjawab sendiri lagi.

Aku terlalu banyak berfikir benda yang remeh-temeh.

Kenapa yek? Mak aku kata, walaupun aku baru 23 tahun, tapi aku berlagak terlalu matang untuk usia 23 tahun tu. Kenapa ye mak? Aku tak faham. Mak cakap lagi, dia tengok anak2 kengkawan dia yang sebaya aku masih lagi keanak-anakan. Walaupun aku masih manja dengan emak, tapi mak kata manja tu dah terbatas. Aku pun hairan dengan sifat aku sendiri. Kenapa aku jarang ketawa? Kenapa aku terlalu memikirkan akibat dari tindakan aku? (atau orang cakap 'kontrol ayu') Kenapa aku terlalu serius? As a 23-year old person, is that normal?

Kadang2 aku teringin jadi macam Ainie atau Jen. Jadi seorang yang cepat mesra, suka ketawa, pandai berjenaka, dan sumer orang suka kat dieorang. Tapi aku rasa kekok kalau cuba jadi macam dieorang. Aku memang dari azali lagi sorang yang serius. Sampaikan Anip dulu penah cakap, 'Tulah akak, dulu suka buat muka masam. Tak de orang berani tegur tau.' Well. Sebenarnya tulah facial expression aku sepanjang masa. Nak wat camane? Penat la aku kalau nak senyum 24 jam.

Apa2 pun, aku harap agar orang yang tersayang memahami aku & karenah aku. Dapat menerima aku dengan redha. Kalau tak, terpaksalah aku buat plastic surgery supaya muka aku selalu tersenyum macam Miss World. Comel gitu.

Nak balik & tido. Zzzz...

Seronok tidak terkata....

Kena stay kat kargo sampai pukul 6.30 pagi! Huahuahua!!! Ainie dah nak demam balik bila dengar arahan dari bos tu. Ni sumer gara2 kapal lambat masuk. Hampehs.

Anyway, aku dah hapdetkan
msjbox profile so aku dah pakai satu avatar yang aku cilok dari err... ntah tak ingat :p. So, kat situ kecik je. Kalau besar, dier jadi gambar nih:


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Comel tak? Hehe. Walaupun in real life orang nye tak secomel cam dalam icon tu la! ;p

So back to life today la. Aku masuk keja pukul 2 ptg arinih. Nasib baik ari Sabtu boleh pakai jeans ke opis. Sampai2 je, aku lepak kat main opis. Then gi naik atas lepak kat check-in. Lepas tu turun balik ke main opis sebab Ainie ajak gi lunch.


Buat pertama kali after a loooong time aku lepak ngan The Fab Five. Walaupun agak kaku at first.... biarlah. Yang dah lepas, biarkan aje (borrow ayat Ainie). Aku tau aku salah jugak, tapi macam yang aku cakap kat Chairman, aku ego giler. Aku sendiri pun tak nafikan. Anyway, aku rasa berterima kasih kat Chairman. Somehow, I sensed that he did something to get us back together. Ngan Ainie jugak. Dieorang tu sepadan la. Dari dulu aku dah cakap. Sempat lagi iklankan dieorang dua kat sini. Ceh.

Aku tengah mengkompiuskan diri sendiri sekarang nih. Ainie sibuk ngan 'pokok dah bergoyang'. Bergoyang sangat la pokok. Aku tak de perasaan macam tu. Jen barulah ada pokok. Pokok kelapa, durian, rambutan... sumer dia ada. Ainie... nak baka terbaik je. Hehe. Hampeh betul.

Ok la. Tak de apa lagi nak citer. Zaanks!
Kenapa tak balik lagi? Naper? Naper?

M-a-l-a-s. Dok opis lagi best. Dapat blogging. Dapat borak2. Besok masuk keja pukul 2 ptg. Stay back la sampai 12 malam. Apa nak buat.

Tengah survey nak beli laptop. Kalau dapat carik laptop yg murah, aku nak beli secepat mungkin. Rindu nak buat design2 nih. Huhu...!

Anyway, pagi tadi aku call bos lama, nak tanya pasal hal keja. Then borak2 pasal kat mane aku akan diletakkan abis je 'so-called' training program nih. Dia tau, aku pun tau.

'I'd probably assign news publication to you. It will be a joint newsletter for both companies, but you'll be the focal point. How about that?'

Newsletter? It sounds b-o-r-i-n-g, to be brutally honest. Aku cuma suka tulis kat blog, bukan tulis pasal benda formal.

'That sounds wonderful,' I lied.

Of course aku tau aku akan ditempatkan kat mana kalau aku setuju. Kat mana lagi kalau tak ceruk yang sama? No.... way. Ceruk ini dah membunuh semangat dan selera aku.

'It was mentioned that one of the trainees had been looking outside the boundary of the company.' Tetiba dia bersuara. Diam sebentar.

'So how was it?' He sounded curious. Aku tergelak. Memang, persekitaran aku tak boleh dipercayai. Aku dah belajar dari pengalaman yg perit. Jangan percaya kat sesapa.

'It was a refreshing experience. I just want to find out how's the market, you know, for a certain negotiation, if need be.' Aku selamba mengakuinya.

'Well. Loyalty to the company aside, one has to be happy with the environment to be productive,' dia membuat kesimpulan sendiri. Aku tersenyum.

Bila aku bagitau kat Jen, mulut Jen ternganga. 'They knew??' She sounded horrified. 'Well, they're not that stupid,' aku main2 ngan kad yang aku tampal kat dinding kaca. 'You're not...' 'No. ' Aku mahu jujur ngan diri-sendiri. Aku nak aku suka ngan kerja yang aku lakukan. Aku tak nak terasa terpaksa bila buat something. Bila rotate department pun aku dah rasa boring, apa lagi kena attach lama2 kat satu department. Kalau dah tak minat, kenapa nak paksa diri?

Penat la. Nak balik.
Today is Jen's birthday. Happy Birthday Jen! May all ur wishes come true today & for always :) Thanks for doing a great job at being a good friend. We all LOVE you.

Cheers,
Carneyz

-My birthday gift to u is lotsa n lotsa love on my blog!-

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Seperti yang dijanjikan, nilah brochure yg aku dah buat, tapi dah kene reject at the last minute. Tak pe la. Janji aku dapat mengabiskan masa ngan Photoshop, cukup le. Kapal terbang dalam gambar yg tengah terbang di awangan tu, ekceli just model aircraft je. Tapi nampak macam real kan? Hehe. Aku ngan Chairman la, buat keja jenayah profesional.

Nilah 1st effort aku nak wat brochure. Selama nih buat design yang sempoi & tak perlu theme yang complicated sangat. So this time, kena make sure all pages ikut theme. Tapi in the end, kene reject. Lantak la. Kalau dieorang dah fikir brochure yg tak de grafik & penuh ngan perkataan tu lebih, err, profesional, ikut citarasa depa la. Bagi aku, aku nak minimize kan perkataan, sebab more attention-grabbing macam tu. Tapi, lain padang lain belalang...

All of a sudden, we had a meeting with 3 GMs today. After 3 &%#!* months we never had that *^&%#! sessions, there was an email that announced we had to attend it this afternoon.

Of course they had to wait until I came back from my hometown, but I personally felt that it was just a waste of time because I made a point to just shut up.

Anyway, during this meeting, my 3 other buddies also decided to shut up. So when they asked us how do we feel on certain issues, I continued scribbling cartoons in my notebook, Jen looked at Ainie, then looked at Chairman. Then Jen & Ainie both looked at me.

'So you still find it hard to talk?' asked one casually. I stifled a yawn and an aswer (I find it purposeless).

Let's cut the story short. One of them broke the indications of where we might expect ourselves to be permanently attached starting next month. Result:

1. Chairman - Business Development
2. Jen - Retail
3. Ainie - Erm. Public Relations
4. Carneyz - Corp. Comm.

We are feeling quite sorry towards Ainie, of course, but inside my head, there's an emergency meeting taking place.

To take? Or not to take? This organization needs major changes. The management refuse to discuss it openly, or accept that the are serious problems happening. If I was permanently attached to this particular department, what can I do to change status quo? While the movers & shakers of the company is the Commercial people, how would I be able to fix these problems in order to move things forward?

The issue boils down to whether I still could bear working in this chaotic conditions. Whether I still have the passion for this place (at the moment, I have none). I prepared myself for the worse by seeking other opportunities, but I would feel unhappy leaving things still broken as it is. It's a matter of how strong & patient I can be.

We'll see la, when September ends.
Ntah naper aku try upload gambar brochure yg aku dah siapkan tu tapi tak dapat. So tak bley la nak show gambar tu kat blog nih.
Selama 3 hari nih aku cuti, balik kampung. Seronok la dapat balik :) Nasib baik tak kena tinggal flight ke Kuching hari tu. Jen bawak ngan lajunya ke airport (Thanks Jen! Hope u like the souvenir I bought :) ) & aku ngan lajunya berlari ke counter check in...
'Alamak! Closed ke?' Aku dah panik. Tapi aku tanya gak, 'Tak boleh open ke?' Mamat tu kontek staff yg jaga kat aerobridge, then terus mintak ic aku. Fuuhhh... Lega. Kalau tak ber 'explorace' kat airport nih, tak de thrill kot idup aku nih.
So, anyway, aku bawak balik kek batik utk orang kat opis. Memandangkan aku dah kat dua opis berbeza, so aku kena bahagi dua kek tu. Bila gi main office jap tadi, tengok2 dah abis. Ramai gak la yang tanya ada lagi ke tak. Bila disoalsiasat, rupa2nya this time bukan Ainie yg mengabiskan kek tu, tapi Chairman! Patut la dia tanya boleh tempah kek batik kat aku tak.Hehe. Kalau amik order wat kek untuk raya nih, kompem laku. Boleh la wat support tiket nak balik :p
No sooner than I made my wistful wish, Chairman made a crazy request. Chairman does not usually begin his sentence by 'Could you...' He goes straight to the point - 'You are going to design a brochure and I want it in one day.'

It amuses me as much as annoys me how he thinks he owns my time. I do not waste time with Chairman either. I go straight to the point - 'You are crazy.'


So lepas je Chairman kasi laptop dia kat aku (PC aku tak de Photoshop), complete ngan Adobe Photoshop 7.0 yang dia install malam tadi, aku pun mula la buat sket research & went all out to design something 'clean' and 'fresh'. Was thinking of having black background, but considering that black is easily related to 'death' & last night's news of plane crash (Mandala Air) in Medan is seriously shocking, I don't fancy the idea of putting off people to board the new airline we are promoting.

Well. Baru je sampai 2 page macam nih. It's kinda hard as brochure (unlike posters, Chairman) ought to have a theme of some sort, with uniformed pages in order to look like a professional brochure (take note, Chairman).

That luggage tag effect pun I spent 2 hours to think of how to create that (again, Chairman, I'm an amatuer designer). Anyway, anybody has any comment on this design? :)

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You can kill my mental self in two ways - overworking me, or not giving me any work at all. That includes giving me boring work or work of no interests whatsoever to me.

You can also kill me slowly by being boring, or failing to ignite a mind-stimulating conversation wif me. It is my weakness to instantly connect to someone who, when ask about A, will manage to extend the conversation until Z. Provided, in between they allow me my 2 cents' worth. Too much blabber, will poison me.

It's hard chore, you know, being a Gemini. A Gemini are mentally awake people, who pokes trouble in the eye, if it means living a more interesting life. As for me, being a Gemini is hardest when there are two contrasting sides trying to decide how to live one life.

No, no, no... We are not having this mental health problem, called split personality. It's just that we are a person made up of two personalities. That's why a Gemini sign are twins. Sometimes, they live harmoniously inside one body. Most of the time, they hold perpetual war inside the skull, and the one who wins, will have the say.

Just imagine, having two directors chairing a board room. It is exactly that way.

That's not my point today. No, I can certainly explore that issue some other time (my other half is in a ranting mood, but I won the say who gets to blog today. Since I'm the nice personality, I'll talk about what she wanna say anyway).

Get back to the first sentence. To today. To life after being transfered from being under Macha, to well, a nice environment but lack of activity). Hold on there sister, I'm not gonna badmouth anybody today. I'm nice, see...

Life is totally different back then. With Macha, everything was hectic. We made a point to visit every inch of the place where we make money, to fulfill at least 3 appointments per day, and to forever send people letters. Letter of offer, letter of reminder, letter of warning, you name it. Then, there were those visits, those renovations, those requests, etc. to be attended to. In a day, I think we walked more than 3kms around the parameter.

It was hugely satisfying. To be engaged in a thousand jobs at a time. To talk over the phone with a client and at the same time, amending the letter on the pc and paying attention to the fax machine for the beeping sound of outgoing document. To sit down with Macha & discuss what we are going to wrestle with for the day while laughing over some jokes. I felt empowered, engaged & purposeful.

In many, many ways, I miss being in that department. It is not my nature to sit down & do nothing. I like waking up every day knowing exactly what needed to be done and coming home feeling I've achieved something. That's what motivates me. To hear at the end of the day, some people say, 'Thank you. You did a great job,' was really satisfying, and something I looked forward to.

Somehow, I wish that I can follow my dreams & do what I like most. Designing graphic. A job that doesn't require me to spend so much time at the office doing nothing, a job that allows me to be wherever I wanna be, to spend as much time with my loved ones, and at the same time, still being able to hear, 'That's really great, Carneyz. I love your work. Thanks.' while paying me enough to live comfortably for rainy days.

Heck, ya. I wanna be a graphix designer. If only I can hang my wishes on the star and make those dreams come true. Make a wish upon a falling star. God, I pray that I can be a graphic designer who works from home and earn decent income. Amin.
'Carneyz, u look happy today.'

Carneyz is in fact rather cheerful today. For the first time after one month sunk into deep depression & total ostracism, she actually exchanged a few banters in email.

'Yes, yes... u should be pleased if ur getting free lunch today.' I pointed to Ungku's direction. Ungku had promised free lunch at the pricey dine-in for both Chairman & I as we had helped him wif something a month back.

But that's not really the source of my bubbly predisposition today. Maybe I've over-indulged in chocolate. Half a bar of Toblerone dark chocolate consumed yesterday, during my most boring moment - sprawled on my bed, in my hot room, unwilling to go anywhere for fear of the burning sun. Or just too darned lazy to move. Or maybe, there's something else. Like the chance of seeing someone.

Ooopss.. What happened to my diet?

Diet is still on-going, except that I'm feeling unwell today. Sneezing non-stop, wif rolls of tissue on stand-by. Seriously. I think it's because of cigarette smoke. Tak boleh tahan bau asap rokok. One day of inhaling it, and my immune system goes haywire.

Now that I've lost the excess weight, my body weight has become more stabilized and I am able to go for reasonable proportions of lunch.

'I dengar u tgh consider S***l. Betul ke?' Ungku dropped the bomb.

I sighed. Looked across at Chairman, who made this face 'wasn'tmewhotold', scanned thru my head for the list of persons I've actually mentioned about my decision to leave, zeroed in on one person who might be the source of this 'pecah rahsia' , and shook my head. Hell. My fault again for sharing unnecessary news.

'No.' I concentrated on my now tak sedap anymore chicken rice. I know, if this guy knew, the rest of the management could have known too by now. I couldn't care less anymore now. Under the constitutional rights, I am entitled to seek other opportunities, right?
In fact, semua orang dah tanya, which department I'm going to go to after September. I vaguely indicated the department I'd most probably choose to go if I flopped the extremely difficult interview (which I hope I won't).
By the way, surveying tickets to go back left me wif little air to breathe. I've to fork out nearly half a thousand ringgit nak balik. Hish. Giler. This is all because of the fuel price skyrocketing due to numerous reasons (Katrina, among one of them).
Okie dokie then. 'Nuff said.