Err.

Sebenarnya, bukanlah tujuan haku nak mengkhianati Msjbox yg telah sekian lama bertakhta di hati (cewah! :p) tapi sebab haku suka shoutbox nih so haku taruk jelah satu sepanjang sesi penyiasatan angkara durjana manalah yang cuba menjatuhkan Msjbox
:( :(
Hopefully Msjbox cepat2 pulih dan online semula supaya aku boleh terus menggunakan perkhidmatan Msjbox itu :)

To Junaidix, caiyok2x!
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Koleksi patung mainan atas meja opis aku dah bertambah lepas balik dari makan di McD dengan Bib, member baik masa study kat Johor dulu. Seekor moose yang gila berwarna merah dengan tanduk biru kat sebelah seekor patung beruang yang bawak beg sandang dan pakai sweater yang comel, pemberian ex-roommate aku, Eva.

Muka patung beruang tu berkerut sebab kawasan koleksi hiasan meja tu dah sempit pastu dapat roommate baru plak. Depan patung beruang ada sebuah jam merangkap kalkulator digital yang aku dapat free bila aku ngan Layla sign up kad kredit yg sampai la nih aku tak amik pun. Sebelah jam ada photoframe gambar mak. Pastu ada sebiji botol berbentuk bintang berisi batu geliga berwarna-warni yg Bedah pernah sangkakan gula2. Pastu ada cawan dengan patung koala 'I love Australia' bergayut di atas cawan kecik tu. Aini yang kasi.

Kat belakang, ada teddy bear kuning yg kecik dan comot aku kutip kat mana2 entah. Pastu ada patung gajah ngan belalai pink. Kesian patung gajah ni, anak terbuang. Pakcik buang kat atas meja aku. Hehe. Sebelahnya ada photoframe ngan kata2 hikmat, dan last sekali ada lilin berukir bunga matahari aku dapat masa gi majlis Esah kat Pahang dulu.

Sebenarnya semua perhiasan yang aku taruk atas meja nih pemberian orang. Maklumlah, member2 aku sumer baik2 belaka. Kalau dieorang tak baik pun, aku paksa dieorang jadi baik. Misalnya, sebelum Chairman pergi ke Dubai, aku dah mengingatkan awal2 supaya dia berbaik hati membelikan cenderahati utk kengkawan kat opis. Muahaha! Jadi, selepas ini, perhiasan di atas meja akan terus berkembang-biak, sepertimana shopping complex di merata2 dunia materialistik nih.
I have been sleeping poorly every night with the result that I woke up late, aching body, feeling of perpetual exhaustion, and not to mention, bouts of moody behavior.

A few times I wake up in the middle of the night, with headache, and then rolling back to sleep and to fall into another meaningless dream, the kind of dream that makes you think when you're not supposed to, for cry-out sake, my poor brain needs rest as well, dreams which I have been having of late.

At times I dream that I was crying so bad that my chest hurt. It hurt like crazy until I woke up and found out that I had stopped breathing.

God. Heavens. KL is as cuddly as a cactus and tame as a lion. It makes me wonder whether it's KL or it's me fighting to un-love JB.
Ekceli, aku malas nak citer pasal biografi aku nih. Tapi sebab dah janji ngan Amy kan, so aku pun rela tak rela, citer je la...

Nama Penuh mengikut dalam surat kelahiran : Aargh! Aku kan anonymous entity...


Nama manje brutal: Carneyz

Umur : 23 tahun, tapi sebab badan saiz kecik, org selalu ingat aku budak sekolah. Hampeh. Penah kena tanya umur baper masa beli tiket movie yg 18PL.
Tarikh Lahir : Jun, 23 tahun dulu. Hehe.
Anak ke : 2, plg degil dan tak suka balik. Tapi klu balik, anak yg wonderful, wonderful ;)
Kini Menetap di : Kay- El. I miss JB...
Kelahiran : Kuching, Sarawak.
Status : Tak de kaitan. Gi main jauh2.
Pekerjaan : Corporate Slave
Hobi : Blogging, design, dan apa2 yg lucu dan buatkan aku gelak
Artis Kesukaan : Haper kejadah aku nak suka kat artis. Aku suka lagu je.
Haiwan Kesayangan : Aku sayang sumer especially kucing, hamster, kuda, ikan, kura2 tapi aku tak sayang lipas dan cicak. Kalau nampak lipas akan terserlah sifat keperempuanan aku - (Haha! Jen, remember that nite when that anak lipas suddenly shot out of my luggage bag and then we both spent the time screaming and jumping up & down in hysterics?)
Warna Kegemaran : Suka purple, tapi klu orang tanya aku cakap suka biru. Kompius la.
Tentang saya yang anda perlu ketahui :
--Sumer benda kesukaan diberi nickname CLK. Cute Little Kriss (sebijik cam tuannya - degil tapi aku sayang giler), Cute Little Komunikator (my lovely bebeh -- Nokia 3210 yg setia bersamaku lebih dari 5 tahun! Cayalah, bebeh! I will always love u! Takde hp yg lebih best dari my CLK...), Cute Little Komputer (hasrat utk memiliki sebuah laptop akhirnya tercapai jua! Alhamdulillah...), Cute Little Kotak Muzik (ahaks! my mp3 player)--
--Moody, tak sapa berani kacau klu aku moody. Memang menakutkan. Tapi kalau tak moody, ketawa tak henti2. Ainie cakap ketawa 'bubbly' yang akan buatkan dia ketawa. So aku pun rekodkan suara kiteorang masa tengah ketawa2. Aku gelak tak best pun. Apalah Ainie nih. Memberi harapan palsu je.--
--Tak suka rumah kotor, tak boleh hidup ngan orang penyepah, dan klu tensen, akan kemas meja yang kelihatan bersepah sebab akan buat pening kepala kalau tengok dalam keadaan berselerak dan semak je! Contoh meja yg selalu jadi mangsa pencerobohan aku time tensen ialah meja Chairman sebab dia tak reti2 berkemas pastu abis kertas2 dia aku buang. Muahaha! Nasib u lah, I dah pindah KL nih. --
--Suka orang buat lawak sebab hobi suka gelak w'pun orang selalu ingat aku serius giler! Biasanya suka kat orang yang pandai buat lawak coz they can move this barrier to reveal the real side of me :) Tapi aku tak reti buat lawak sebab separuh jalan, mesti dah gelak sungguh2, jadi orang tak paham kat mana yang lawak. --
-- Hantu coklat. Hantu teddy bear. Hantu buku citer. Hantu ikan masin. Hantu keja. Hantu blog jugak ;) --
Last nite, while my CLK sang me to sleep, I spent the time reading Sherlock Holmes story book with my feet propped up against the wall and the fan blowing hot air on my cheeks.

After a while, I got bored of reading the same book for over 20 times, and thought maybe I wanna be a writer, but before that I want to own a bookstore, but after calculating whether there will be ROI (return on investment), I decided against the idea because Malaysians still don't read books that often and if they do, they read novels like 'Diari Rogayah' or 'Cinta di Penghujung Tanduk' or something like that which I don't intend to display in my bookstore.

I stared at another of my CLK (cute little komunikator -- my handphone), wishing hard for it to ring and to my delight, it beeped in response to my ardent wish. I mean, a beep also means somebody thought about me, kan?

It was my best friend in university, Agath. She was telling me about how nervous she was about her upcoming interview as a tutor in a local university and 'God! I haven't wear a baju kurung for ages!'

Talking about baju kurung, I remembered a conversation I had last weekend when observing a girl wearing baju kurung while on a date with her boyfriend. Like any normal girls watching other girls, I opened my mouth to make a comment.

'Look at that. Pegi dating pun pakai baju kurung?'

My companion replied, 'Bagus la tu. If I went on a date with a girl wearing baju kurung... wow.' (This coming from a guy who flatly refused to wear a baju melayu, come what may)

Compulsively and automatically, I made a growling sound and uttered, 'Aaargh!' in that dangerous way that promised instant death for anybody who tried to suggest the very idea to me.

My companion was so surprised at the reaction to his reply that he said, 'Wah! Baru cakap macam tu dah menunjukkan unsur2 yang ganas & brutal? Takut la...'

Carneyz -- ganas & brutal. Perhaps there are some truths to what K. Za & K. Tini were trying to tell me.

'Awak? Ayu?? Meh akak gelak guling2 dulu dengar ayat tu...!' 'Dah la tak cun, tak ayu, brutal, bawak motor macam pelesit...'

OK apa?
Last nite, I was doing my work on my CLK and at the same time, tuning in to whatever was shown on tv. In the end, I was forced to look at the tv screen instead of at the computer screen in total disgust. Never mind the fact that I had a deadline to work on by the next day. I had never feel disgusted in my whole life at a tv program as I felt last night.

The first time I saw the ads of the program, I thought, 'Ah, finally... a beauty pageant that doesn't focus on a woman's breasts, legs and face.' I made a mental note to watch it, to see how the contestants were judged not just on their physical appearance, but also thru their contributions to the society, the maturity of their grey matter and the glowing personality they possess. I thought it's going to be a different beauty contest that reflects true beauty. Not just skin deep.

Boy, do I thought wrong. Physical appearance? Bah! Contributions to the society? More like to the salon and fashion designer. Maturity of grey matter? I doubt it after seeing that ridiculous hand-waving. Glowing personality? My foot!

To my horror, and then ultimate disgust, the so-called Malaysia's aspiring prettiest lady broke down and sobbed uncontrollably because the cameraman decided to take a close-up shot at her scarred, naked face. After the crying subsided, she said rather proudly, 'I think I'm brave because I have overcome my fear to show the scar on my face.'

Oh God, Lord above, show mercy on me. There are numerous times I turned up to class / office without even a lipstick on, looking like dead corpse plus a zit on my nose and I hardly felt a tinge of sadness or the need to bawl and cry my eyes out because people around me can see how ugly I am without my makeup.

Wonder whether she'll cry as much when she sees a picture of a skeletal-thin African child with scars all over his body, crawling on the road to reach UN food distribution area while a vulture waits for the child to die before he can reach the place.

This can't be true. This is absurdity at the highest level.

I can't help this feeling of wanting to throw up whenever I see this particular contestant. Not because she's Chinese, I have no prejudice against any race, please. My ex-housemate was Jen and she's Chinese and we called her 'Miss Universe' affectionately. I think Jen's prettier than her anyway.

It was because she mistook vanity as self-confidence.

'I look better than Amber Chia... When I win this competition, I'm going to wave to my fans like this (wave in that ridiculous way). I'm going to put this prize in my living room so people know that I have won Malaysia's most (awful) competition. This prize is going to be my trophy. Among the three, I'm the most gorgeous. I know I'm going to win. I can feel it!'

Hand me that bucket please. I wanna throw up so bad when I heard this ridiculous speech. And the way she posed? Great heavens.

'Cheap and thrashy.' I felt like applausing the photographer for his right on the nail comment. She's too much. Even if the ones who voted her (must be hot-blooded male high on adrenaline) think she's cute by acting the way she acted, I simply refuse to acknowledge her as whatever her fans voted her for.

I wasn't the only one with the same opinion. When she made it to the final two contestants, the rest had their eyes wide open, jaws dropped down. 'She made it? What's wrong with Malaysians?? If she won, I might want to get out of the country for a while.' Even if this comment was hilarious, I echoed the same sentiment. But, I don't know, somehow because I am so used to the weird ways the system work in this country, I think she's going to win. It always works that way.

I mean. I never expected this program to turn out this way. If being beautiful means you gotta dress up in the latest fashion, and act like a blonde but in this case, overdoing it, thank you very much I'm happier being ugly. What happens to women's liberation? What happens to better judgement of one's character?

Then again, let's just hope that her mengada-ada character is just a tactical campaign to make sceptical person like me glued to the show right to the end and to make a point to watch it just to see how truth triumphs in the end and the rest of my countrymen have the same views on what is considered as nonsense, ridiculous behavior.

I cross my finger. One thing I have to applause to her is how her ugliness rears up the ugly, bitchy side of me.
The good thing about blogging is you get to talk even though there's nobody listening (reading) anyway. By God's grace, you get an audience or two, who gave more two-hoots about the music or the absence of music in your blog rather than what you write (Ok, ok, I'm joking, guys...) That certainly outshines talking that produces sound from voicebox, because that requires another person to listen and right now I have none.

But, Carneyz (wave hands around in emphasis), you were the one who decided to leave. Which is too true. Everybody said no, don't go and I, the one who have other plans in mind choose to go anyway. So yeah, loser, don't talk about it anymore ok. We told you so. I told you so.

I am a loser in the sense that I lost the people who were there to listen to go to a place where (look around, one more time) ... Never mind.

The truth is, I'm lonely. My new office is great-looking, I've moved uptown bla2x, not that the people are not nice, they are, but they are just - different. I haven't laugh in that feel-good way, that laughter that comes from the guts and forces itself out until you have stitches.

Aini - 'You know ayah I pernah cakap I ketawa macam setan. Tulah, ikut u guys!'
Survivor - 'Apa pulak ikut kiteorang? Sejak bila kiteorang gelak macam setan?'
Carneyz - 'Entah. I ketawa cute apa? Jen, laugh in that evil way.'
Jen - 'Don't drop my water face.'

Tu tak termasuk sesi gelak ketawa ngan Kak Za.

'Mek, cuba tengok keta tu. Naper orang tu lambai2 kat awak?'
<>
'Kak Za! Hahaha! Tengok dieorang tak perasan keta kat depan dah jalan! Kan dah kena hon. Muahaha!'
'Memang sah dieorang bengong, kalau Kak Za jadi dieorang tak kuasa nak lambai kat awak. Dah la tak cun, tak ayu, brutal, bawak motor macam pelesit...'
'Nak balik ke tak? Kalau nak balik, diam.'
'Yalah, yalah. Hehe. Sedap pulak mengutuk awak nih.'

... Rindu la kat Mek Tot tu. Rindu sesangat.
At that time of the month, trying to think how to revise a design for the 100th time, and at the same time enduring the feeling of your uterus flesh being ripped off (very descriptive, Carneyz, very da descriptive) is horrible.

...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhh! Somebody, anybody, give me an epidural anesthesia. I'm dying... Huhu...
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Listen to this recorded voice
Every time I hear it makes me laugh
How did Aini come up with those thoughts
And why the hell does Jen sound like that?

And this is where I hang out
I think the fishes knew me inside out
I never knew how depressed is my life
I spent so much time on aqua therapy

This is where I went to work
Most of the time had better things to do
Attendance showed that I had two months red
I must have done it half a dozen times

I wonder if it's too much
Is this decision wise or I'm too rush
I tried to quit job without them knowin'
If I was them I wouldn't let me in.
Oooh3x...
Oh God, I...

Every memory of looking out the window
I had the recording played on my mp3
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

Every memory of walking in the terminal
I found the picture of us in office till 4 am
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

Remember the bowlin' arcade
Blew every ringgit down the bowling lane
Aini's folks hated it when we came home late
They say, 'what kind of girls did we raise?'

We used to come to Dilla's house to chill
And karaoke to every song we'd know
We said some day we'll get the neighbours knockin'
To ask us to pack up and go back home.

Chairman's the first friend I made
We talked about the States where he used to live
He had a couple of guy friends since then
The girls think he's very poyo now.
Ooo3x...
Oh God, I...

Every memory of looking out the window
I had the recording played on my mp3
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

Every memory of walking in the terminal
I found the picture of us in office till 4 am
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

I miss that town, I miss the faces
You can't erase, you can’t replace it.
I miss it now, I can't believe it
So hard to stay, too hard to leave it.

If I could relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Every memory of looking out the window
I had the recording played on my mp3
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

Every memory of walking in the terminal
I found the picture of us in office till 4 am
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

Listen to these recorded voices
Every time I do it makes me laugh
Every time I do it makes me...

Created : Carneyz :p
Before some genius with good intentions created Internet, I lived happily ever after without much requirements and expectations.

Then came Internet. My first attempt at emailing somebody (my school friend, Crono) was a laugh. I typed everything in the subject of the email and none for the body. He must'd been puzzled why my email content was empty but the subject was lengthy.

I graduated from email to Yahoo! Messenger. At first I started with ICQ. Or maybe it was IRC. I chatted with this anonymous fella who suddenly announced that he liked cough syrup. That left me horrified and I ended the session abruptly. Only years later, I braved another attempt at chatting thru Yahoo!. That was because Junaidix needed to teach me something about blogging. The rest was history.

Now everything needed to be done using Internet. So you can imagine how frustrated I felt when the network was disrupted this morning until afternoon. I can't do any work. I can't do anything. Life at work became miserable.

...

I think I'm becoming too dependent on Google.
Day 3 at the foreign workplace. My miserable-ness has slightly been diverted because I am lost every day in my work schedule & designing stuff. My first day was quite bad. I was so used to hearing Jen's cheerful voice when she picked up the phone, rolling her eyes & making funny faces when the callers turned out to be freaking buggers. Or calling Ainie's name every time I saw her. Or listening to Roy bickering with the Legal Manager for fun. It was just - homely.

My previous work environment was colorful, to put it literally and also in context. When we were bored, we went window shopping or buy hotdog from upstairs. Or sit around, watching people. Or whatever. Sure, most of the time we were stressed out, but at least we got something to keep our minds away at times.

And the people. They are colleagues, neighbours, etc. We're like, this one suburban community working at the same company. So I knew you, you knew me, we knew everybody.

So urban KL is - urban.

At least by today I wasn't crying my eyes out anymore. The first day had been terrible. I had to bring my stuff to office by taxi, and then commuted home. The lrt was jam-packed. I missed commuting between Skudai-office when I can feel & smell fresh air while riding at 120km/h (ok, so I'm exaggerating, the air smelled like carbon monoxide, but at least it didn't smell like someone's armpits). Gob-smackingly delicious feeling. At that particular moment, back to the present, I was trapped among sweaty bodies exuding all kind of smell that made me feel dizzy. When I arrived at the lrt station, I had to wait for half an hour for the feeder bus to come.

It started to rain by then. I was looking up to the dismal sky, feeling totally lost, bewildered, sad. My mp3 player was playing a sad song. I was close to tears, I nearly bawled there & then.
I hate, hate, hate, hate this bloody city.
I wanted to turn off my mp3 player, in my pocket, when my fingers brushed against something. There it was again, turning up like some guardian angel. The 109 beads stringed together. How it ended up in my pocket when I was sure I had removed it I had no idea.
This time it didn't make me cry. I clasped it with both hands, feeling my heartbeat returned to normal. This is like a talisman, but it's not and I don't believe it is. But oh boy, it reminds me that back in JB, there are friends who still wanna make me smile.
Erm. Thanks Ainie. Thanks Jen. Thanks Layla & Pakcik & Kak Za & Survivor & Chairman and all that. You know, I'm glad that I made that voice recording even though Jen sounded like Evil Queen. But yeah, that helps a lot.
Enuff sob stories, even though I still feel homesick giler2. To fulfill Romzi's request, I let myself be tagged.

Something you want to do in your life :Travel all around the world - backpacker style.
One song that you could listen over and over again :That changes according to my mood. Currently I like Photograph by Nickelback. It reflects my situation right now (homesick, homesick...)

Coke or Pepsi?
Coke. That's what they usually serve in KFC or McD right?
Something you currently desire :
Back to JB, chilling out with friends! :)
One good deed you've done lately :I've been bad, bad, bad all the way. I'm evil. Ask the Evil Queen (Jen).

A funny moment in your life :I spluttered my drink all over Chairman. Survivor said something funny, or maybe it was Jen, about Ainie's eating habit. I was drinking and I couldn't help it so tersembur kat Chairman. Abis basah baju dier. Chairman terus tolak kerusi ke belakang, swearing like gila2 'What the fish??' Felt really embarrassed to Chairman, but the rest thought it was hysterical. Except for me and yang kena sembur. He was very indignified by that.

There are a lot other funny stuff in my life. I led a funny life in the first place. Everybody around me is funny except me.
Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head?

This is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneakin' out

And this is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must've done it half a dozen times

I wonder if it's too late
Should I go back and try to graduate?
Life's better now than it was back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in oh oh oh
Oh god I...

Every memory of lookin' out the back door
I got the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walkin' out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was lookin' for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hangin' out
They say somebody went and burned it down

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we'd know
We said someday we'd find out how it feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She's had a couple of kids since then
I haven't seen her since God knows when oh oh oh
Oh God I...

Every memory of lookin' out the back door
I got the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walkin' out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was lookin' for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town, I miss the faces
You can't erase, you can't replace it
I miss it now, I can't believe it
So hard to stay, too hard to leave it

If I could relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Every memory of lookin' out the back door
I got the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walkin' out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was lookin' for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
Every time I do it makes me...
I finally arrived in KL . I hated this city, but I have to learn to love it. I imagined Shah's wife who came all the way from Pakistan, who grew up in totally foreign environment, weather, language, food. The challenge for her to get used to the living standard in... God, it must be awful for her. I'm glad that Shah bought that lovely house for her and the baby. She hates lizard as much as I do. I imagine she hates cockroaches too.

My room is about 70% the size of the room I occupied in Jen's house. The rental is 6 times more expensive. No, make it 12 times more expensive, because Jen paid RM20 rental for her whole house. It makes you think I'm born without a brain huh? I'm beginning to think the same too. At the back of my house, at certain hours of the day, there are terrible noises going on RIGHT BEHIND MY ROOM. My housemates are nice people, but I don't think they are the type who would roll around on the floor laughing over some crude jokes, like Kak Za, Yana & I did sometimes. No, most of the time. Or the type who would spend one night chit-chatting about all sort of things like Jen & I used to do. I mean. For cry out sake, they were IIU graduates. They laugh. Moderately.

When I reached KL, I almost cried again because the Putra lrt station was closed (how could they close it?), and none of the taxi wanna send me to Gombak. I had to beg a taxi driver to send me there. Seeing my petite size, my almost-crying expression (the tough girl looked so pathetic that nite), and my so exhausted voice asking to be send to Gombak, the driver took pity to me. Amin. There is a human in this city.

In short, everything that happened that nite made me want to cry. After arranging my stuff neatly in my room, I fell asleep on my mattress, one hand clutching the tasbih beads and one single teardrop ran down the bridge of nose and ended its course on my chin. I felt so lonely.

Day 1 in the foreign city. It rained on New Year day. I tried to mingle with my housemates. But it felt awkward. I went into my room and leant against the wall, staring at the opposite wall and hugging the Pink Panther small pillow that Layla gave before I left. When you hug it, think about us especially me. I read my diary. I tried everything to make me feel happy.

I switched on my mp3 player and listened to the recording of Ainie's, Survivor's & Jen's very sexy voice and smiled at the memory of Jen holding a cutlinary knife at Ainie threateningly, 'One more word,' as Ainie laughed at her very sexy voice. It rained the whole day. I didn't eat at all from the nite I arrived until last nite.

After Isya', I lay down on one side, on my left cheek, listening to my own breath. I have to survive. I have to go out and find the way to office tomorrow. I counted the tasbih beads and puzzled over the tangled part. Then I just closed my hand over it and thought, God, I hardly remember You.

I remembered telling the story of the beginning of mankind to an attentive Jen. I told the story until the arrival of the last prophet over a cup of chilled coke in McD.

Heaven and earth, and else in between. I miss Jen. I hope my story makes sense to her. There's so much I want to tell her. There's no more time to tell her.

I brought her to the lake on my last day in JB. I hope she finds the time to find herself while listening to the music of water cascading down, and watching the fishes swimming in the water. I visited my professor's house. He helped me a lot when I was in bad shape financially.

I love Johor and I'm missing it desperately. I'm homesick. Help me. I'm missing all the things and all the people I left behind.

Every memory of lookin' out the back door
I got the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walkin' out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was lookin' for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
'Dun cry. Please dun cry.'
'I'm going to lose my all time mate...' Her hot tears made me feel like weeping too. Tak masuk Kak Za lagi.
'Mek. Kak Za sedih la awak dah nak gi.'
'Jangan la macam tu Kak Za. Saya pun rasa cam tu jugak.'
'Naper awak nak pindah mek?'
Naper? Naper?

Bila hari terakhir aku di JB, baru aku umumkan yang aku akan berpindah kepada semua. Masing2 terkejut. Kenapa tak bagitau awal? Kenapa nak pindah?

Kenapa? Kenapa?

'We're gonna miss you.' Kak Eyna peluk aku. I hugged her & Layla tightly. 'I'm going to miss everyone of you too.' Looking at Layla's stomach, I said, 'Jangan lupa jemput majlis bercukur rambut baby nanti.' 'Insya Allah.'

Then it was the Fab Four. Chairman, blessed his soul, seolah2 terlupa aku dah nak pergi. The effort to gather the five of us together had twice been let down by him. Tak pelah Chairman. Maybe hanging out with 4 crazy girls are not that hot an idea as before. We had lunch. We laughed. We told stories. We laughed. I leant against Ainie's shoulder affectionately. I love my friends dearly. Then why am I leaving them?

Why?

Sekali lagi, sebelum naik bas, aku peluk Kak Za, Yana, Ainie, Jen, & Survivor satu persatu. 'Thank you. Thank you.' I couldn't say anymore. I have been so lucky to have them as my friends. I will miss them sorely. So badly.

Dari tingkap bas, aku cuba berlagak tenang. Melihat Jen menyapu air mata di pipi. Smile, I mouthed to her. I smiled. And waved. Then the bus moved away. It was so cold. Outside, and inside. There's this hollow feeling. My hands felt numb. I put my hand in my jacket pocket. I felt the hard, lumpy string. I pulled it out and stared at the tasbih beads.

'To calm your soul and as reminder to God.'

I started to cry.