Semalam, aku berlari di Tasik Titiwangsa. Aku bosan dengan saiz badan aku sekarang. Sejak pindah ke KL, disebabkan kebosanan, aku asyik makan je. Tension je, makan. Lepas makan, tension pulak dengan berat badan.

Aku jadi benci dengan ketembaman pipi dan ke'berat'an aku. Jadi benci pada diri-sendiri. Kenapa aku punya badan yang cepat mengumpul lemak? Kenapa aku gemuk? Kenapa? Kenapa??

Dulu, hanya sekali je aku boleh menurunkan berat badan. Tu pun lepas kecewa teramat sangat sampai tak makan. Aku nak mengalihkan perhatian dari perasaan kecewa tu dan akhirnya buat keputusan nak diet. Diet giler2. Pagi tak makan. Tengahari makan yogurt. Malam tak makan. Kalau tak makan yogurt aku makan biskut sekeping. Bayangkan sehari cuma makan biskut sekeping? Ajaib pulak camane aku tak gastrik.

Dengan segala azab yang dilalui, akhirnya lemak di dalam badan mengalah. Perlahan2, berat aku turun. Tambah pulak dalam department yang banyak berjalan ke hulu ke hilir.

Tapi tak dapat bertahan. Aku pun tak suka diet macam tu. Menyeksa diri-sendiri je, sapa boleh tahan? Walaupun berat turun ke berat yang diidamkan, tapi diri terasa lesu. Perasaan tertekan setiap kali tengok makanan yang sedap2. Tengok coklat dan telan air liur. Tengok nasi dan terasa nak nangis.

Jadi aku pun makan semula. Walaupun aku menghadkan makan, tapi berat terus naik mendadak. Semua usaha aku sia2. Tensionnnnnn!!! Sedangkan aku cuma makan sekali sehari. Tapi entahlah. Memang badan aku cepat naik. Serentak itu, keyakinan diri turun menjunam.

Balik kepada citer aku berlari di Tasik Titiwangsa.

Sejak kebelakangan ni, setiap kali aku tengok diri-sendiri di cermin, ada suara2 bergema di dalam otak aku yang memanggil aku, 'Gemuk, gemuk, gemuk, gemuk...' tak ubah macam suara yang Afdhlin Shauki dengar dalam citer 'Bulik Balik' tu. Masa berlari semalam pun suara yang sama muncul mengejek2 kegemukan aku. Bila aku termengah2x berlari, suara tu dengan biadapnya berbisik, 'Tulah, kau gemuk. Lari pun tak larat. Macam anak gajah.'

Untuk mengalih perhatian aku, aku pandang keliling. Pasangan bercinta bersepah di sana sini. Ada yang berjalan, ada yang duduk berbual dan tak kurang yang duduk sambil makan. Entah kenapa kali nih suara yang berbisik dalam otak aku tu bertukar menjadi suara aku,

'Bertuah betul mamat tu dapat awek slim dan cun. Adakah balak tu yang pandai memilih awek, atau awek tu yang pandai memilih pakwenya??'

Dan masa melimpas pasangan yang menyorong keta sorong bayi, aku jadi seram-sejuk semacam,

'Isk. Kenapa bila dah kawen dan ada anak, yang perempuan mesti bertambah debab dan sihat?? Aku yang tak kawen lagi nipun dah sehat, agaknya kalau dah kawen mesti bertambah2x sehat?? Tidaaakkkkk!'

Aku jadi bertambah benci pada diri-sendiri. Disebabkan badan aku cepat gemuk, aku tak boleh makan sepuas2nya. Disebabkannya jugak, aku rasa bersalah bila aku makan. Aku mesti lari lagi. Mungkin besok aku akan lari lagi. Aku tak suka jadi gemuk. Kalau boleh aku nak kurus macam Nasha Aziz. Atau Kate Moss. Atau sekurang2nya macam awek yang berjalan bersama pakwenya di Tasik Titiwangsa semalam.

Dan sebab tu aku kena berlari dan jangan berhenti berlari.
Arinih sebenarnya kebosanan aku dah tahap dewa, bak kata kawan baik aku time study dulu, Agatha.

Aku bosan dengan projek aku yg masih tergantung tu. Dieorang nak tunggu sampai bila baru nak luluskan? Dah namanya reall-time info, mestilah sentiasa berubah. Abis tu, tak payah ada website? Gitu? Ptuih! Fed up makcik. Makcik FEEEDDDD UPPP!!

.................................

Sekali lagi bila dah fed up jari-jemari melakar kata-kata di blog sepi. Biarkan. Perasaan tertekan ni akan sentiasa menemani aku selagi aku bergelar kuli taraf profesional. Aku lapar. Bila aku bosan aku lapar. Lapar yang bukan disebabkan perut belum diisi apa2, tapi sebab otak belum dikenyangkan dengan sesuatu yang mencabar. Kerutinan hidup macam makan nasi takde lauk. Mula2, mengenyangkan. Lama2, memuakkan.

Bukanlah aku nak mintak cabaran macam pelarian perang. Aku bosan duduk menghadap komputer sehari-hari. Aku suka kerja yang aku boleh berjalan2 ke tempat baru, yang penting aku tak terperap menghadap patung2 hiasan di meja yang sama2 bosan melihat muka aku.

Sudahlah. Daripada aku mengadu tak henti2, baik aku berjalan2 di bawah. Sekurang2nya ada gak yang boleh dilihat. Bosan.
Every morning when I came into the office, I head to the pantry, pour a glass of water and make tea / milo, then walk all the way to the back of the office, where my place is. Switch on my PC, check email, reply them, read online news (I'm the only person paid to read newspaper every day), print / save those related to the business, and attend to my projects. On certain mornings, I also attend to my boss' demands.

...

I'm getting tired of this routine. To be truthful, I hate working under somebody else. I loathe it to take orders. But most of all, I venomously detest the sense of entrapment of this dull life, subject to demands and less-than-equal rewards I'm getting (picture this: belajar separuh mati, carik keja macam nak rak, keja mati-mati, tapi gaji ciput).

But I need the dough, to survive and give me a sense of stability bcoz right now, I've enough on my plates to feel the world is like a roller-coaster. I am a highly independant girl, the idea of just giving up everything and let my man bring home the meat is... unlikely. Unless kalau dok rumah pun boleh keja (sekarang konsep working from home dah popular, kan?) dan yang penting dapat duit, wallah! Settle my problem.

Paling best sekali, kalau kerja tu benda yang aku suka - designing. Huhu..! I'll be on cloud nine. Carneyz - the graphic designer. Sigh.
I didn't tell you about my trip to Singapore on Monday. I went to see last minute preparation for the Asian Aerospace 2006 in Changi. It was fantastic. The exhibition area is huge - our booth is located at the farthest tent area, complete with aircondition and cafeteria which served the most delicious chocolate muffin - almost as good as Kenny Roger's. I stood, transfixed in front of GE's Boeing engine and even more mesmerized by Rolls-Royce's A380 engine. The engine's size blew me off my mind - from floor to ceiling with intimidating-looking fan blades. Phew. Kalau la berdiri depan enjin nih masa tengah hidup, sure kena 'suck in' pastu jadi minced meat. Scary.

I saw a complete Bell 429 heli, meant for medical purpose. The air was filled with the roaring sounds of engines from aircrafts practicing for tomorrow's event. There are jets and supersonics and the likes. I felt awfully sorry for not having a digital camera. Especially bila dapat tengok replika Airbus A380. Bila la dapat peluang naik Airbus nih.

Tapi penat giler la balik dari Singapore tu, sebab malam sebelum tu, takut terlambat bangun jadi aku pun tido2 ayam je. Kejap2 terjaga. Ainie je syok tido. Haha! Muka Ainie bangun dari tido pagi tu mengingatkan aku ngan anak patung. Muka budak comel ;) Budak comel yang ganassshhh!

Semalam, tepon Jen. Walaupun abis kredit aku tepon no. utara, tapi rasa lega bila dengar suara dia dah ok. Dah boleh gelak2. Aku tau Jen seorang yang tabah. Tapi lepas nih, dia mungkin beralih arah. Sedey la. Tapi sekarang aku dah terima kenyataan. Life must go on. Aku dah bukak chapter baru dalam hidup, jadi Jen pun kena bukak lembaran baru jugak. Yang lain2 bakal menyusul.

Aku harap Jen akan tetap ingat dan kontek kiteorang selalu lepas nih. Jen, I'm gonna miss u!! (sob, sob).

Me: Unless Trump lets you work from Kedah la.
Jen: Yeah, right... Work from my home. How to bring clients go around & see the retail space??
Me: Never mind. Wait until we work on our company, then we'll hire you. Can work from home. You can practise that 'uhuh, uhuh..' of yours. Do marketing la...
Jen: Haha! Yeah, yeah. Sure, can...
(Both laughed evilly)
Sadness is losing a loved one. Reaching out to grasp at a fading phantom but unable to stop nature's course. Knowing that there will never be another time to spend with the loved one.
Sadness is watching your friend goes through all those without being able to stop it because I too, will face the same fate. Only God knows when & how.

There is a lot of things that happened of late, signifying the cheers of life, but I will have to put them aside because I am griefing with her. There are tears shed, hearts broken, condolences offered. My heart ached for her.

My dearest Jen,

May God give you strength to face this sorrow, time to heal your pains, and knowledge to see that your father will no longer suffer from his bodily illness. Jen, God has blessed you with friends who care. We are all here to comfort you when you are ready to meet us.
What is it about words that unleash such powerful emotions? 'Love' and 'hate' are merely consonants neatly spaced alternately between vowels, but the implications are what makes mankind decide what to do with the world. They feel vindicated to lay everything on these two words.

But what is it about words that bring home meanings done in such subtlety that nobody realizes the ulterior move behind carefully selected terms? The world is full of agenda, each contrasting with another, full of denial of the stark reality.

To put it mildly and bluntly. Why the heck do they want to make my life so difficult asking me to write a press release that blanket the truth when the truth is what they want to tell? Should I begin by describing the blanket and revealing the truth as little as I could? That sounds like strip show. And it's porno. Jen probably could do a better job than I do in this.

>> Survivor asked me to be a writer. I could begin by being a copywriter. Quotation on request. Sample of job as read above. Any offer? :)
1. Buat design
2. Contact member2 lama -- susah sket kot sbb member2 aku sejak bekerja nih malas keluar rumah / ujung minggu je balik kampung.
3. Lepak di JB (tak boleh buat tiap2 minggu sbb tambang bas dah mahal)
4. Join SPCA?
5. Cari hobi baru
6. Habiskan masa di Kinokuniya
7. Belajar bahasa asing
8. Plan aktiviti mengurangkan berat badan
9. Tengok tv sambil baca buku
10. Tido.
(click image for bigger view)
To my lovely sisters who turned 25 & 15 this year ;) Hope u guys have a blast this year!

To sis Liza: Hope this year is an exciting year for ta. And France 2007. yeehaa!


To sis Farah: All the best in PMR. 8As -- I'll give you the MP3 player ;) kiddo. Study smart ok?
My friend, Eva & I used to have wild imaginations. We like to ask each other ridiculous questions and reply them in the most rational way.

We could make pizza toppings the best conversation in the world complete with a detailed, visual description of the pizza enough to make any full person hungry again.

Eva & I went back a long time ago, almost 6 years to be precise, when we were two freshies homesick and dying for mom's cooking.

I had never had a friend like her before that. We studied, ate, and explored JB together. We knew each other's likes & dislikes, and we loved surprising each other. The most fun thing about us is the way we liked to leave cutesy notes to each other in the most improbable places -between pages in books, on soft board, in drawer, on bed, etc. We expressed our delights in our friendship through poems, which were left on those notes.

And we loved to explore. Even when we were broke, with nowhere to go, we'd be lying on our beds, throwing questions like, 'Let's go backpacking. Where to first?' and we started to describe our dream vacation to each other. We figured out how much the vacation would cost, how to trim that cost to an achievable number ('We'll camp out at the bus station or something and we'll buy bread. Bread can last for 3 days') and what we wanted to do when we reached there. It was great fun just talking about it.

The not-so-fun but nevertheless hilarious moments usually occured when we dared each other. She dared me to walk up to a guy and asked for his name (I did. I just approached the guy and asked, 'Hey, Larry! Long time didn't see. You're Larry right?') I dared her something else. Most of the times the dares were clean, good fun, but sometimes they were just plain stupid.

Eva is a fun friend to be with. Life was never boring with her around. We could talk about anything as long as it's pure imagination with as little fact as possible. We talked about relationship (before I got into a relationship myself, I was the perfect counsellor because I never knew) and tried to figure out why guys did what they did, the possibility of love across any boundaries, religions included, etc. We discussed these over a cone of ice cream while swinging in the playground.
But things I treasure the most about Eva is the respect we have for each other. The tolerance she showed toward my aggressive & sometimes dark moods. The way she accepted me as equals when some people are too intimidated, and the way she pointed out my faults without hurting my feelings. She usually said, 'You could do better if...' which I am forever grateful that she never said, 'You did badly.' The thing is, she never criticized.
Eva is a friend who is prepared to do anything for me even when it meant that it'd trouble her a great deal. She accompanied me to debate meetings when I was not too keen to meet the Dark Queen, for moral support. For that I am willing to do anything for her too. Except lie to her mother.

In return, I tried to do everything that she did first. I respect her a great deal. I never criticize her in return, even when I disagreed totally & completely with her. I cancelled any other appointments / plans if she said she needed me. We could sit perched on the bridge watching the fishes in the lake in silence for hours without getting bored. I was always careful to not say or do anything to hurt her. She is willing to give me as much space as I need, and so would I unto her.

With a companion like Eva, I could stay in the bottomest of bottom pits, and not get bored. Because we could dream and talk about our dreams, and we will be there to comfort each other. We will be creating our own worlds from the bottomest of pits, and laughing about the outrageous-ness of it. We will not talk about reality which hurt us, but discuss about the imagination which lulls us & make us forget that we are suffering.

With a companion like Eva, every day would be a different day. Perhaps because her name itself implied the reason of her existence (Eva, from 'Eve', the one God created to be Adam's companion).

Kinda miss her right now.
Kalau ada bintang jatuh sebijik, aku nak wish supaya hari2 seterusnya dalam hidup aku kembali ceria dan happy dan tak bosan.

Merindui saat2 bergelak ketawa di sana. Saat terhibur di tepi tasik. Saat ada suara2 mesra menyapa aku.

Sunyi beb. Sampai bila2 pun sunyi akan tetap jadi teman setia aku.

Kalau ada bintang di langit, turunlah temani aku bercerita. Rindu itu terlalu menyakitkan. Usirkan ia jauh2. Kenangan itu menyedihkan. Kerana ia terlalu indah. Terlalu bahagia. Dan terlalu jauh.
Kak Za tetiba je mesej malam semalam.

Aku: Erk? Apa mimpi??
Kak Za: Hehe. Bila nak datang JB?
Aku: Tak tau. Kalau datang karang, Kak Za tutup pintu pulak. Haha!
Kak Za: Tak de la. Dialu2kan lagi. Kak Za sebenarnya tengah sedey.
Aku: Owh. Sebab tu ke?
Kak Za: A'ah.
Aku: (Dah tido)

Sebab tu hilang di celah2 mimpi yang tak de erti.

Hari nih besday mak. Selamat Hari Lahir mak! I love you very, very much.

Mak cakap dia nak skuter. Huk2x...! Batuk semakin teruk. Skuter?? Sekarang baru korang tau, kat mana tumpahnya kuah kalau tak ke nasi. Kalau nak Kancil sebijik, aku faham la. Skuter? Aku pakai motor pun dia macam nak rak suruh beli keta. Dia sendiri pulak nak skuter. Musykil.

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I was engrossed in my latest design work when the phone rudely interrupted me. It was the Legal Manager.

She: You sound sick.
Me: I am sick.
She (with concerns): What happened?
Me: Must be the weather. Damn hot, right?
She (smugly): Oh well. JB's raining every day.
Me (stopped fiddling with the pen tool): Why are you telling me this? To make me feel bad about leaving JB?
She: Haha! Now you know!
Me: Don't start (coughed), I'm already sick. Don't add that homesick element some more.

Yesterday:
The Finance Manager stopped by my table, looked at my design, then said,

'So when are you going to JB?'
'What's the point of me moving to KL if I'm going back to JB?' I replied incredulously. He laughed uproariously.
'You don't miss JB?' He took one look at my expression then said, 'OK. Continue work.'

This morning, while discussing some quotations that we received:

'So. Hmm. If we take this design company, you can make trips to JB.'
I shot an odd look at him.
'Is that good or bad?' I asked. He looked at me in surprise.
'Oh well. I suppose you do need occasional trips to JB.'

If Mohammed won't go to the mountains...
My fellow brothers & sisters of Islam,

There is a story that is worth sharing with all Moslems worldwide of how the great Muhammad S.A.W. dealt with people full of contempts. People who recognized him only by name, but not by nature. This story is certainly better than the story of how the Danes are shouting 'We are upholding the right to speak freely!' to justify why they allow degrading images that tarnished other people's belief to be published in their newspaper. Because in this story, the Danes are the people full of contempts.

Once, during the time when Muhammad S.A.W. was still alive and spreading the good of Islam, there was an old woman who hated him that she made a point to wait for him when he passed by her house. Every time she saw him, she would shout humiliating and contemptious words to him, full of hatred.

The great Prophet S.A.W. did not flinch, or even showed a trace of anger. He smiled at her to acknowledge her presence and went on with his journey. This made the old woman even angrier because she cannot gauge the reactions that she hoped for. She wanted him to be angry at her, or to strike her, so the world could see that he was who she perceived him to be - a cruel, unkind person. So people would stop believing him and his teachings, but that didn't happen.

Every single day, the old woman waited for the Prophet S.A.W. , and every single time, she cursed and degraded him. But every time he never reacted, merely passing by with a smile in return.

Then one day, when the Prophet S.A.W. passed by the old woman's house, she was nowhere in sight. This puzzled him. The next day, he did not see her again. Overcame by curiousity, he stopped by to check on her. He found her lying down, sick and alone.

The Prophet S.A.W. called for people to give her assistance, cook for her and give her medicine. When the old woman felt better, she asked, 'Why did you come to find me at my house? I thought you'd surely hate me after all these while.'

The Prophet S.A.W. replied, 'I do not hate you. I came to find you because you had not been standing by your house to shout at me like you used to do every day and I thought you would be in trouble.'

The world is full of people like the old woman who had nothing better to do than to spread malicious words about the Prophet. But we know better who this great leader is. He is the man who repaid cruelty with kindness. Who was patient with the people who made fun of him.

If the woman had shouted 'You're a cruel man who do not deserve to be a leader!' and he had striked her, wouldn't that make what she said as true? That was what she was hoping for anyway. She wanted the world to know that the great leader of Islam was a cruel person. When Prophet S.A.W. did not respond to her accusations, she was angrier because nobody believed her.

The cartoonists who drew that malicious and vile cartoons wanted to show the world that Islam is a religion that encourages violence. We would certainly render them good services if we acted the way they wanted us to react - violently. Then the world will know that what they wrote are no more lies but the truth.

My dear brothers & sisters,

We are the bearers of Great Truth. God has spoken in the Holy Quran that we read every day. This world belongs to God and He will deal with them as how He wants them to be dealt. In the mean time, this Moslem sees her duty to uphold what the Prophet S.A.W. has shown. That we should show the world that the religion we embrace is not a violent religion. That the Prophet S.A.W. did not teach us to be violent.

What we believe, we must continue to believe. What they believed, we ought to show them so they will understand. Eventually, for those who think, they will believe.
I have no freakin' idea why is my bike throwing tantrums of late. I mean, look how much the recent tantrum costed - RM 290! The most expensive so far!

My darling bike, at times I wonder whether getting a car is the solution to your temperamental problem. But luckily, you got one cute, little, loyal till death-do-as-part owner. Yeah, me. Just hope we don't end up dead, CLK.

I'm probably having a mental case myself but well, that's normal.

I woke up early today (considering I'm not working today), and straightaway tidied up my room, plunged into the beauty regime (scrub, scrub, scrub using the new scrubber promised to make my skin buffed up & polished), and then after a series of washing, exfoliating, brushing, toning, moisturising, cleansing and finally putting on tudung-sying, I went to send my comforter to the laundry. It will take me another week to see my comforter again. Duh. Inefficient. When I was in Skudai, I could get it by the next day... Ouch. Miss Taman U again.

Then here I am, updating my blog again (get a life!). Logged on to YM and suddenly
Mildred popped up:
M: Hiya Carneyz. What r u doing in KL?
campusgirl_utm: Err. Working?
M: But I thot ur working in *****?
campusgirl_utm: Yeah. I'm transferred to HQ.
A series of conversation later...
M: So when ur getting hitched?
campusgirl_utm: NOOO! Not that topic!
M: Or ur already HITCHED??

It's scary, you know, talking about (gulp), that topic. Now, I wonder what's Jen's story. Hmm. Jen, ur getting hitched any time soon? :P Sooner?
'Kau ni, keras kepala. Mak cakap mak tak nak bawak motor nih, jangan paksa. Isk, isk! Keras kepala betul kau ni! Mak tak nak!' Mak aku dah kelam-kabut masa aku turun dari motor dan menyuruh mak yang bawak motor tu. Masa tu, azan Asar tengah berkumandang dari masjid yang berhampiran.

'Ala mak. Rilek la. Bawak je macam bawak basikal.' Aku terus bonceng kat belakang. Dengan bising dan beberapa kali ulang ayat 'anak keras kepala', mak aku akhirnya berjaya belajar memandu skuter adik aku. Lepas tu mak tak jadi marah kat aku tapi beberapa kali menyuarakan keinginan memiliki sebuah skuter sendiri (tapi aku yakin, mak aku akan jadi penunggang haram sebab dia kompem takkan lulus ujian JPJ yang susah tahap dewa).

Itu waktu aku balik Sarawak raya haji lepas.

Gedebuk! Kepala aku terhantuk di jalanraya Sabtu lepas gara2 gagal brek on time dan akhirnya CLK tumbang di tepi jalan. Buat seketika dunia berpinar2, tapi tau2 aku dah bangkit sendiri, check bumper kereta yang aku langgar, tengok tak de apa2, mintak maaf kat tuan punya kereta dan blah dari situ dengan kepala yang rasa macam nak pecah.

Calar sket la helmet tu, tapi tak de apa2. CLK plak kena hantar gi workshop. Dah scan CPU kat Hospital KL tengahari tu, alhamdulillah tak de yang serius. Cuma ada bengkak sket, tapi pengalaman masa kecik2 melompat dari atas meja dan jatuh atas kepala sampai tangan patah, jatuh longkang besar dsb. menyebabkan CPU aku kebal sket. Tapi demam gak la 3 hari. Dah lama tak buat aksi2 stunner ni.

Masa keluar dari bilik X-ray tu ler aku teringatkan kata2 mak aku, 'Keras kepala kau nih, kenapa mak dapat anak keras kepala??'

Hai la, mak... Terima kasih la sebab mendoakan kepala ni keras. Pengajaran kat korang semua, doa mak nih mustajab!

P/S: Semalam CLK eksiden lagi. Menitis gak air mata melihat CLK tak serupa CLK waktu di JB. Nasib baik yang bawak tu tak de apa2 sebab dia sempat melompat dari CLK sebelum CLK terseret lalu tumbang di atas jalan. Pagi tadi hantar CLK sekali lagi gi bengkel. Kesian CLK. Harap2 tak rosak teruk, aku sayang giler kat CLK. Tulah harta paling mahal dan paling berguna yang pernah aku miliki. I love u so much, CLK. Di mana kan ku cari ganti. Huhu...!