How Could This Be...

'A lady committed suicide at my apartment a few days ago.' My friend announced over our dinner of char kuey teow.

It was enough to make me pause between shoving a spoonful of the char kuey teow in my mouth to ask, 'Oh my God! How?'

My friend shrugged and continued to eat as she explained, 'She jumped off the building.'

I thought of it as we walked to our Quran recital class at Heritage building. I thought of it when the class finished. It wasn't the gory details that my friend helpfully supplied later on that bugged me. It was the action itself that made me ponder.

What was her thinking when she made that final decision to step off the rail or whatever that became her jumping platform? What problems could be so huge that pushed her to the point of no return?

Did she regret it as she saw the ground closing in on her?

I am not suicidal, never. The idea of eternal damnation keeps me away from such thoughts. It was just sometimes life could be so depressing that I wished I could just... break away. Not end it. Just - walk out and start over again.

I did that almost a year ago. I changed my job. I started over. But somehow I did not factor in the transition effect. The altitude change sickness or whatever. From somewhere higher up to being back at the bottom in just a day. Surely it caused a bit of emotional wreckage, a little confusion, a lot of stress? It did. Throw in the loss of a child we hoped for, sudden weight gain due to hormonal imbalance that is VERY hard to lose, and major policy changes in the new company that made us look like the monster in the company? How then, could I not feel depressed?

How could this be the right choice if it makes me unhappier each day, if it makes us grow apart every day and makes me lose interest with my life? I no longer have any passion, not even an ounce, on things I used to love. Graphic design, reading, shopping, being around people... Every day I go back from work and all I want to do is crawl on the bed or lose myself in repeated tv programs until I drift off to dreamland, dreaming of restless dreams.

I tried to brave myself into facing this increasing complicated life by telling, 'You don't have to think of it. You just do it one thing at a time.' It worked for a while but it slowed me down and things keep coming. I know one day I am going to succumb to this brain pressure. The evidences are showing up on my health. The hormonal imbalance that messed up my productive organs, my weight and everything else is impact from the pressure I am trying to contain within.

Yet I still feel that darkness is wrapping its fingers around my heart. Suffocating me. Exhausting me. I wish I could outrun it FOREVER. I wish I could, once and for all, break away from this boring job and figure out what I want to do in life and work towards that instead!

Before I run out of time. Before I realise that I'm 40, still unhappy with my life's choice but too coward to change it.

Oh God. Tell me that there is more to life than this.

6 comments:

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  2. this sounds so depressing...izit that bad at the new company. maybe u just need to take a step back for a while n see whether it's really what you want. work is something that you want to do, not what you are forced to...

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  4. salam carney. hopefully u r feeling better by now. pls read this http://fromadifferenthorizon.blogspot.com/2009/11/pep-talk.html

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  5. Amy: yalah, aku pun rasa I need a break because I'm at the verge of burnout. Tapi yalah, I don't like what I'm doing now. Nasib la the pay is good...

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  6. Husna, thanks dear :) I like your posting on pep talk. No matter what, everything has its reason kan?

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