Open Letter To Khayla

Dear Khayla,

It's 12pm, Mommy's home but you are not. I feel like such a bad mommy leaving you behind at the daycare centre. So bad, that I cried in the car while driving home. To make it even worse, when I kissed you goodbye, you screwed up your face and cried. Cried at the sight of mommy leaving. Khayla, I'm sorry!

My baby girl,

This morning you woke up in a good mood. You had no idea that Mommy is leaving you at the daycare. You asked for milk and smiled at me while you were breastfed. When you are full, you lay down quietly and patiently while I prepared your bath water. You made a slight fuss only because the water was slightly cooler than usual, then you enjoyed your bath time as usual. Baby, today you smiled at me radiantly in the bath and I spilled my tears already! I smiled back at you, teary-eyed. I told you gently that you will be left at the daycare so you can get used to it. You still smiled because you did not understand what I was telling you.


After your bath, you continued to coo and smile while I gave you your massage and dress you up. Then I picked you up and cuddled with you again, and after that fed you. I told you I need to shower and you went to sleep as if you understood that I need to leave you on the bed. I showered, and pumped more milk and then finished the list that I intended to give to your nanny. Things that she needs to know about you, like 'Put her teddy bear next to her when she goes to sleep' and 'Will cry when she is being put down on mattress'. Of course, leaving our contact numbers in case anything happened but God forbids. I hope and pray that you will always be safe, my baby.

Once everything is done, then only I woke you up and off we went. You were still in a good mood as I strapped you to the car seat, promising that I'll be back in no time to fetch you. Khayla, you are such a good baby and yet, I still leave you. What kind of mother am I?

My sweet little girl,

Ever since you came into my life, I lay in bed at night thinking whether what I am going to do which is leaving you in the care of perfect strangers, is the right thing to do. Every time I think of it, the answer is mixed up. Some nights I convince myself that it is for your best - you will be cared by professional caregivers, someone who have qualifications in childcare. You will be exposed to learning when you are slightly older. You will be taught social skills, by mixing up with other babies and toddlers.

But most nights, I curse myself for even thinking such thoughts - who knows you better than me, your mother? Who do you look for when you open your eyes, who do you cry for when you are hungry, tired, lonely and just need to be cuddled up, but if not for me?

Are you crying for me now, Khayla? I don't know. And this feeling is killing me at the moment. I miss you already baby!

Dear Khayla,

Please know that some things are more important than others. Things like doing your best to repay your Mother after all that she has sacrificed to make you a successful person even when nothing in this world can repay her tears and pains and heart ache throughout the time she raised you up. For that, my baby, I cannot let go of my career. I owe your Grandma too much and will do my filial duty above any other duties, including my duty as a mother. Remember this, my baby.

My baby Khayla,

I do not think I can write any further because I am too distraught. I wish that I do not have to make this decision. I wish that our family can afford to live on a one-income basis. I wish that I can start my own business and that I can work from home so I don't have to be apart from you. Maybe some day I will. I don't think I can re-live this moment again when I have my second, third or next child. But for now Khayla, please understand that for the moment, this is what is best for our family in this circumstance. Please accept my apology for not being able to be with you all the time or as much time as you want. It is not because I don't love you that I am leaving you. Just know this, baby - should anything happen (God forbids), I will drop everything just for you. I love you that much.


Love you more than anything in the world,
Your Guilty Mother

2 comments:

  1. you are not alone carneyz..i am certain that every new mothers went through the same quilt moment..i know i did..

    ReplyDelete
  2. Husna: every morning when i kiss her goodbye, my heart cries and i couldn't wait for the day to be over so i could cuddle up with my lil' girl again...

    ReplyDelete