Okay, I'm going to admit something. I hate BabyTV. But I love it (for Khayla's sake). And I hate it too. Strange, eh? Khayla only stops wriggling and resisting any attempts to feed her when the channel is turned on. She'll go into this zombie mode - glassy eyes absorbing the Hippa Hippa Hey or Oliver the Discoverer or whatever, and her mouth automatically opening without even seeing the spoon reaching her mouth. Then she'll chew chew chew (or if there's a baby song playing, her mouth will stay still full of food, and when the song is over then only she'll start chewing) without even tasting the food.

If I'm in my easy-peasy Mommy mode, I simply can't thank BabyTV enough for keeping my precious occupied while I hurriedly feed her, or zoom around the house getting things done. But most of the time, I prefer that she crawls around, exploring and learning rather than become a tv addict. So, there. The story of my love-hate feeling with BabyTV.

Talking about Khayla, she has been feeling rather unwell for the past few days. It started when I had to travel overnight to KK. I thought it'd be fine - she had started on formula milk a couple of weeks now so no issue of milk supply like last time. In fact, when we were Skype-ing, Khayla did not even bother to look at me frantically waving and calling out her name. She was just busy with the remote control or the tv console (do you know that babies her age are busier than a CEO?).

But that night, Khayla was down with fever and the next day, she was lethargic and slept the whole day at the nursery (according to her Daddy of course). Apparently Khayla is still having problems to detach herself from Mommy. So there goes our long weekend plan. When Khayla is sick, she changes into this overbearing child - who can't be left alone, needs to be cuddled all the time, needs Mommy's breast all the time, and to put it frankly, she becomes a whiny and tearful baby when she's awake.

I love my baby very much nothing in this world will make me want to part from her, but when she's in this mode I wished that daycare is open during weekend so I can get some needed rest. Do you know how stressful is Mommy's occupation, cupcake? Can't you just give me a 5 minutes break?

By the way, if you are wondering how then I get to write down this whole entry, she's currently having a nap (praying it will be for a couple of hours, but she just coughs and whines and stays quiet so probably her Daddy is lying down beside her till she falls asleep again) and I'm a really fast typist, so there. Phew. Oh yes, I haven't had any breakfast because I was busy trying to catch a moment here and there to fix her breakfast, do laundry and fold clothes. Let alone do my assignment or revision for an upcoming quiz next weekend.

Take a deep breath and try to do one thing at a time. Brunch first. Then study (if Khayla is still asleep). Toodles!
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I had been keeping this too long in the draft mode that I forgot about this entry. Time to get it out for memory's sake ;) World, cherish your family!
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I had had a good weekend these couple of weeks. A good weekend means quality time I spent with both Suami Terchenta and our precious little baby.

To me, no matter how crappy the week had felt like, I must put in efforts to make my little girl happy. Surprisingly it has been easy to put away any ill-feelings I harboured throughout the week and don my 'World's Fun-nest Mommy' mode.

Just seeing the joy and happiness in my baby's eyes made me forget about work and instead concentrated to live in the moment watching my baby grow in front of my very own eyes.

Last week for example we brought Khayla to Snowalk, i-City in Shah Alam for some fun family outing. Khayla being the cold weather fan baby, didn't complain being subjected to minus 0 degrees but it was obvious it was not her cuppa tea either. She hardly smiled, maybe because she found it impossible to reach out to the snow, being wrapped up in multiple layers of clothing:



She was nevertheless fascinated with the lights and I was pretty sure she would grab those lit-up ice carvings if she could free her hands from the thick jackets.

Before we went home, we stopped by Fruitty-tutty for some ice-cream treat. Khayla enjoyed herself in the shop because she got to sit on a grown-up chair:



It was probably the highlight of her trip, much better than the freezing Snowalk or the lights walk we took later.

This week, we didn't go anywhere but we brought her down to the swimming pool for some splashing fun. The last time she went into the pool was when she was 4 or 5 months old. I brought her toy duck and she loved chasing after the duck in the water.

Unfortunately Khayla outgrown her water instinct and she had learnt that water could be nasty. So when I tried to put her on her back so she could float, she wriggled and stiffened her body. She also tried to lift her head up because she hated water going into her ears. There goes her water baby nature...

Today, we brought her for brunch at PappaRich nearby our house. She enjoyed her bun and even shrieked along to Celine Dion belting out her evergreen songs. Khayla could be really boisterous too.

In the evening I brought her to play at the playground. To summarise, she loves the swing and hates everything else. We also brought her to visit Che Mat's family and she loved Kak CT's boys, and vice versa.

Truth is, I wished we could have a lot more weekends like what we had this week. C'est la vie people!
Dear Internet,

Today I scolded my 10-month old baby. She was playing near the TV and tried to pull out the Astro card. I called her name several times but she was preoccupied in the way a 10-month old usually is. In the end, I said loudly and in a sharp tone, 'HEPP!!'

Khayla was startled. A moment later, she started to wail in fear - she has recognised when Mommy gets angry Mommy's voice will be scary and loud. It's so disheartening to see my little baby has started to fear me. It took her Daddy to pujuk and calm her down.

This was not the first time I showed anger to her. Yesterday when she refused to eat her meal and threw her spoon down, I scolded her. I pretended to hit her food tray, setting her in tears. I put Khayla on the floor and when she crawled to me, I refused to pick her up. She sobbed and then reached out to my hand - as if begging me to forgive her and also make everything fine again for her. I let her cry for half a minute before I took her tiny hand in mine. When I think about the way I punished my baby for being exactly who she is - a baby, I feel terrible and awful.

Not enough with that, I threatened her emotionally by saying bye-bye when she refused to listen to me calling her name. She knows bye-bye means I'm going away, which she hates. So she immediately looked up to me to make sure I wasn't. I knew then even when it seems harmless to trick her, it means for a second her heart was stricken at the thought of Mommy leaving her like Mommy always does in the morning on weekdays.

Dear Khayla,

Mommy wants you to know how deeply sorry I am for being a terrible mother who instead of showing you the right behaviour, punishes you through scoldings and emotional conflicts. I'm sorry baby. You're just a 10-month old baby who is still discovering your surrounding and has little understanding of the concept of rights and wrongs. All you understand is how much Mommy and Daddy love you and anything that contradicts with that knowledge of yours are surely frightening to you.

I love you to bits, my daughter.

Full of regrets Mom,
Me