Wits' End

3 years back, I wrote a post sharing my doubts and worry about relocating back to my hometown after more than 10 years since I left.

After 3 years, I fear that those worries weren't baseless. They are real. I am stuck with that decision and now at my wits' end on how to undo it.

We shouldn't have left, my heart told me countless times. We should've stayed put in KL. I should've handed in my resignation. Continued raising my kids as full-time mom.

Look at where you are now, my heart urges me. You are like in an abusive relationship. You get panic anxiety thinking of work, you can't sleep well, you dread coming to work every single day. You dread seeing your boss, and when you get a text from her, your heart beats faster than a shinkansen, your palms get sweaty, you get light-headed.

Yet you can't leave this job.

You beg your husband to move back to KL, yet he is reluctant because he likes it here and he doesn't understand the torment you feel inside. To him, it's just a job, why are you freaking out? Besides, didn't you persuade him to move back here because you can't stand being a single mom every other week? You know that, and how you regret that!

Every night, you cry in your heart wishing something change for the better. Wishing your boss gets transferred. Wishing your husband gets a well-paying job enough for you to leave your job. Every day you die a little inside, becoming more and more despair. You are tired, you don't feel like reaching out to anyone anymore because no one can help you. So you become silent.

It's getting more difficult for me to search for a meaning to stay on in this job. I am doing myself and the company injustice for staying on, but what choice do I have? I can't even think of how to exit, every single scheme I conjure in my thoughts, there's always self-doubt that shoots it down. You aren't good enough. You've never done that. What if it doesn't work? What if you can't earn as much as you are earning now to cover the bills, the food, your kids' education?

What have become of that confident woman that was me?

I'm truly at my wits' end. My only constant effort right now is my prayers to God - Dear God, please end this torment. Please open my husband's heart to see my pain, and grant him a better job somewhere far away from here so I can finally be free from this misery. Amin..


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